Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Rerun Article: The Mysteries of Saint Nicholas

Does Santa Claus exist? There's plenty of "evidence" that he doesn't . . . but how valid is it? Read this week's article to find out!
Saint Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus and Kris Kringle, is a hot topic this time of year. (And by hot, I mean HOT!) Many people firmly believe in him, others do not. But what's the truth? I mean, how else do all those presents get under the Christmas tree? I've heard plenty and plenty of so-called evidences that Santa Claus doesn't exist. I've heard them time and time again and it gets awful annoying. I seriously believe some people are paid to prove Santa Claus doesn't exist. This past Monday, I was bored in my office at Smiley's News (which, as you might recall is a part of Animal Adventures Inc.) with my trusty, junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater, Lizzy the Lizard, another writer at Smiley's News and a ton of arguments on the internet that Santa Claus doesn't exist and what was I to do? Well, my photographer and I decided to get to the bottom of this and find out evidence that Santa exists! I firmly believe that he exists with little or no evidence, but other people aren't so convinced so . . . oh, my photographer just informed me that I'm babbling so I'll get right to the point. Daniel, Lizzy and I did our own research to find a conclusion. First of all, I'll refresh your memory on just what Santa Claus has to do every Christmas Eve – as we all know, Santa jumps into his sleigh with his red bag and tons of presents and he flies into the sky thanks to his nine reindeer. Now, let's look at each of the arguments against Santa Claus' existence and I'll put my arguments forth and we'll prove once and for all that old Saint Nick exists!

Argument #1 – No one can deliver presents all over the world in one night, not even Santa Claus

Well, let's look at the facts: there are around seven billion people in the world and around one billion are kids. Here's the math: Santa has 24 hours to deliver all the presents, and one billion divided by 24 equals 41,666,666 kids per hour! And we're not finished yet! After dividing 41,666,666 by 60 (as there are 60 minutes in an hour), you get 649,444 kids to be visited per minute. After dividing 649,444 by 60 (as there are 60 seconds in one minute). That's 11,5574 kids per second! How does the old guy do it? Many Santa-disbelievers object to his existence because they think it's impossible to visit that many kids in one night because the day's simply not long enough. So, how do I counterattack this? Well, my assistants and I visited Dr. Dodo Bird, Animal Adventures Inc.'s psychiatrist (he does other stuff as well) to offer a few theories as to how this could be done. “First of all, a lot of people believe that Santa can't deliver presents to all the children of the world,” Dr. Dodo says, “but many people forget that not everyone celebrates Christmas in the first place! So if you count out those kids that don't celebrate Christmas, you still have a lot of kids left to visit. That's where the Time-Continuum Theory comes in!” Dr. Dodo explained that in the Time-Continuum Theory, Santa Claus could travel in his sleigh in the direction of the setting sun. So if he leaves the North Pole at 12:00 pm. he would start in Australia, in the earliest time zone, and then fly west. As he passes through different time zones going westward, he gains an hour each time he enters a new time zone. Dr. Dodo is quoted for saying, “Even though this theory is quite popular among Santa-believers, it's probably not enough time for Santa Claus to make his delivery. That's why I invented an all-new theory of my own: meet (*drum roll*) . . . the Time-Travel Theory!” According to the Dodo bird (who isn't much of a dodo after all!), Santa would have to travel extremely fast and thanks to a presumably reindeer AND jet-powered sleigh, this can be done. Dr. Dodo explains, “If Santa could travel extremely fast – say, jet-airplane-speed – strange things could happen. Going at extremely fast speeds could possibly result in the ability of time travel! (It might seem weird, but flying at light-speed might actually accomplish time-travel) And if Santa is time-traveling, he might be able to travel back in time and therefore add time to his time limit!” So much for this argument!

Argument #2 – Reindeer can't fly

Obviously, most reindeer can't fly. So how would Santa's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Doner, Blitzen and Rudolph take to the air? Since it turns out we already covered this article last year in an article all about Santa's best buds, I'll just sum it all up: it's theorized that the reindeer gain their power of flight by consuming a special type of corn (called Magic Feed Corn) that fills their bodies with gas (not the rude kind of gas) and they can float into the air. By kicking their legs while in the air, they can move quite gracefully through the air. If you're thinking about trying some of this corn, I wouldn't advise it – side effects may include throat rashes, hair loss and strange hallucinations and dreams concerning Santa Claus and the North Pole-themed shopping centers.

Argument #3 – The North Pole's in the middle of the Arctic ocean

It's true, if you look at a map of the world and look at the North Pole, you'll realize that it's smack dab in the middle of the deep, blue ocean. How can Santa Claus's workshop be in the middle of the ocean? Well, it turns out that up in the pole, it's obviously bitterly cold, so icebergs often floats in the ocean all year round. My sources have led me to conclude that Santa Claus might have special techniques not only to keep the icebergs the size they need to keep the workshop floating, but also to keep the iceberg in the same location so we don't find Santa's workshop floating somewhere in the Southern Atlantic Ocean. Many have also wondered why we don't find satellite-imaging evidence for Santa's existence, but perhaps his workshop's inside instead of on top of the iceberg? Something like in the Santa Clause franchise? Then we might never know he's there (which is kind of the point). While doing my research, Lizzy brought up another suggestion: “What if he's not in the North Pole at all?” “What do you mean?” I asked. “What if we think he's in the North Pole? He could be living in the South Pole for all we know, and we'd never know to look there because we think he's up north!” Then it hit me – Lizzy's got a point! So in summary, Santa's workshop could be either in or on top of an iceberg in the North Pole or at the South Pole in Antarctica.

Argument #4 – “I saw my parents putting 'presents from Santa' under the Christmas tree.”

One of the most common arguments of all is that kids claim to have witnessed their parents putting “Santa's” presents underneath the Christmas tree. How on earth can we argue against this? Well, my assistants and I thought long and hard about this . . . and we finally thought of an incredible solution! Santa Claus needs to be kept secret, right? And nonbelievers in Santa wouldn't be so inclined to find him, especially if they remember putting presents underneath the tree for their kids. What if Santa has an ingenious invention to ensure people don't make serious searches for him by causing them to forget with – what else? – an amnesia-inator? If this supposed amnesia-inator exists, one of Santa's elves could easily press a “global-extent” button and people would not only forget not-putting presents under the tree and “remember” doing just that, but (some) kids might “remember” seeing their parents doing the deed. Isn't it ingenious? Of course, it must not effect everyone, or we'd have one too many unbelievers and that's not good.

So there you have it! Four evidences against the four most common arguments against Santa's existence. So you readers can now scream to your unbelieving friends, “Ha! Mr. Smiley told me evidence that Santa does exist!” Now that you've read this article, I have a question: do you (now) believe in Santa Claus? My assistants and I know our answer full and well, and it was the same one given to a certain young girl who asked about Old St. Nicks existence: “Yes [Virginia], there is a Santa Claus!”

Written by: Mr. Smiley
Photographer: Daniel P. Smithwater
Edited by: Christian Ryan, Joy Hammond

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