Chores Are For Boars

Boars are guaranteed to revolutionize the cleaning industry and make even the most boring chores, like mopping and vacuuming, really fun!

Chores . . . they're necessary but so very boring! I mean, there are loads of other cool things that can be done both outdoors and indoors, but they often must be done after chores are completed. But those days might soon be over – the same scientist who brought us the “hair grazer” and the “Airway car” brings you the Boar! Dr. James Crowferd of Vassar College has successfully created this new invention, and what it is is essentially a “mop” that mops the floor by itself. For more details, my trusty, junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I went to Vassar College to get an exclusive interview from Dr. Crowferd. He is quoted for saying, “I know the pain many – especially kids and janitors – have to go to to get their houses, workplaces, schools and other places clean. Mopping is, in my opinion, one of the most exhausting chores. I mean, come on, you're dragging the mop forward and backward, foreward and backward, forward and backward, forward and backward, forward and backward . . . (and a lot more “forward and backwards”). . . and backward . . . [it's] an endless process and it gets tiring.” But that's when Dr. Crowferd thought of an amazing and revolutionary idea: why not create a mop that mops by itself! “I was going to create a vacuum cleaner – which in my opinion is just the dry version of a mop – but that's already been invented,” he says. “So I came up with the new device called the Boar. I thought of that name for my invention because of the way wild boars are known to feed.” He went on to explain that wild boars stick their snouts into and throughout the leaf litter on the forest floor of their woodland homes to find tasty foods such as roots, flowers, grubs and etc. “It's sort of like that when you're vacuuming,” he says. “What the Boar does is you place it on the floor you want to clean, and after turning it on, you have two choices: the first is to let it do the job. The other choice is to remote control it so that it can get to places the device might not think of getting.” Dr. Crowferd's Boar is controlled by a state-of-the-art thinking-computer inside of it that is able to determine which parts of the floor are dirty and which parts are clean. The scientist also informed me that it works sort of like a vacuum as well – sucking up the filth – since it isn't able to ring itself out like a mop can do. “Another cool feature,” says Dr. Crowferd, “is the Boar's amazing ability to clean carpets and rugs too. So it is, in a sense, a mocuum . . . get it? Mop plus vacuum equals mocuum? Ha, ha . . . yeah. Anyways, I expect that once we've produced enough Boars to sell, they'll literally fly off the shelves. Now that people won't be mopping, they can actually spend time doing other things . . . like being with family and going to church.” Then I asked Dr. Crowferd what exactly the Boar is made to clean up. His response was, “Well . . . it can clean up just about anything, really. Anything from dirt, mud, dust bunnies, lint and many other small objects. Of course, the Boar will never be able to clean up a dirty bedroom filled with things like clothes, toys, books and large objects, so people will still have to do that themselves. Hey! I know what I'm going to start working on tomorrow!” Then, Daniel recommended that I ask Dr. Crowferd if the Boar is environmentally-friendly. “Oh yes, actually,” he says. “The Boar runs on little to no power. We made it so that it can efficiently get the job done. In fact, it runs on the same power as does a large CD player or radio. In the future, I plan to design another edition to the Boar that instead of running on electricity, runs on vegetable oil. I was going to make one that runs off of cat litter but . . . that would have grossed people out too much.” The Boar will be in stores this coming fall, and when this time comes, we can relax and not have to worry about mopping ever again . . . though a large-numbered price tag could potentially cause your ease to vanish. “Yeah, the price of the Boar might be anywhere from a few thousand dollars to a couple hundred thousand dollars at first,” Dr. Crowferd says, “but perhaps once it's been on the market for a while, the price can come down, because everyone hard-working person in the world has the right to sit back, relax, and watch the Boar do all the work!”

Written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographer: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan, Joy Hammond

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