Friday, April 24, 2015

Rerun Article: Sarassic Park Stomps Into Theaters!

The theatrical poster for "Sarassic Park". It will be showing in theaters starting this Friday (May 17, 2013)!

People shuddered by the thousands when dinosaurs made their way onto the movie screen in Jurassic Park when it was released in 1993. That was 20 years ago. You could practically call Jurassic Park the first movie ever to have real dinosaurs on screen, rather than those fake-looking stop-motion ones that killed everything that moved. Ever since Jurassic Park came out, people have wanted their dinosaur movies to be more realistic than ever before. Now a new dinosaur movie is coming into theaters this Friday (May 17, 2013). Enter: Sarassic Park! It may sound a little bit like “Sarcastic Park”, but it's nothing of the sort. When I heard about this movie, my trusty, junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I went to talk with the people who made this film, such as the director, Stephen Iceberg (is there any coincidence it rhymes with the famous movie-director Steven Spielberg?). When I asked him what the basic plot of this film was and if it was different than Jurassic Park, he is quoted for saying, “Contrary to what everyone's thinking about this movie, despite it's title, the plot has nothing to do with Jurassic Park. It's a totally new movie featuring new species of dinosaurs that tend to look remarkably like everyone's favorite actor, Sarah Bus Stop Guy! So the plot is about this girl named Sarah Bus-Stop-Guy who creates this theme park called Sarassic Park. Now at this park, they have cloned some species of dinosaurs that have never been seen before, such as the dangerous and very intelligent Sarahlosiraptor, the venom-spitting Sarahlophosaurus, the ever-popular Trisarahtops, and of course the mighty Tysarahsaurus rex, just to name a few.” For more details on the plot, I asked the one of the film's producers, Katelene Cassidy (which seems to rhyme with Jurassic Park's producer's name, Kathelene Kennedy). “This film is about paleontologists Dr. Alphonso Grant (played by Sir Lamb Deal, which rhymes with Jurassic Park star, Sam Neil) and Dr. Lizzy Sattenberger (played by Dora Churn, which appears to rhyme with Jurassic Park star, Laura Dern), a math teacher named Dylan Malcolm (played by Jeff Moldblum, which seems very familiar to Jurassic Park star Jeff Goldblum) and of course, the park's creator, Sarah Bus-Stop-Guy (the movie-makers couldn't get Sarah herself to play the part, so they enlisted Sarah Sillyheart to play the part) as they try to create a theme park full of dinosaurs. They don't do this on an island like what happens in Jurassic Park, but instead they build it in Florida. But things go terribly wrong and the dinosaurs escape (sound familiar?). Now the dinosaurs are running amok in Florida.” I tried to ask Katelene for more details, but she said that we'd have to wait for the movie to come out to find out more. If you ask me though, despite what the movie-makers say, this sounds a great deal like Jurassic Park. Next, my photographer and I went to interview Sarah Bus Stop Guy herself (as you'll recall, “Bus Stop Guy” is a three-part last name) to see what her opinion on the movie was. When asked if she was excited about the movie, she said, “NO! I don't like that movie!” When asked why she didn't like it, she responded, “Because it's involving me in a bad way . . . it's making me popular, of course, but in a bad way . . . wait! Are you going to put what I'm saying in the newspaper? That's does it! I'm not answering any more of your questions!” She then got up from her chair, went into her house and slammed the door shut behind her. Interesting way for a preteen to act when getting interviewed I must say! I know from personal experience that Sarah can be very, very juvenile a large percent of the time. But anyway, I'm getting off topic here! Sarassic Park is coming into theaters May 17, 2013. I'm not so sure that this movie is going to be awarded “Best Picture of the Year” considering its MANY similarities to Jurassic Park, but hey, it will be funny to see Sarah Bus Stop Guy, everyone's favorite, very juvenile, sarcastic TV star play it out on the big screen with everyone's favorite prehistoric reptiles (even if Sarah herself isn't going to be in the movie!).

Written by: Mr. Smiley
Photographer: Daniel P. Smithwater
Edited by: Christian Ryan

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