Sarah's Wild Drive-Off!

The three Dilophosaurus (left and center background), Mr. Fish (front left), Mr. Gregor (center left), Sarah Bus Stop Guy (center right), and the police (left) standing in front of Mr. Peter and his truck in the background.

Here in Riverville, New York, some people can be a little crazy. And this craziness runs in the family. Just this Monday, the P for Prize Toy Company was driving through Riverville to deliver some new toys to a nearby toy store. Little did they know they had a tag-a-long: Sarah Bus Stop Guy. My junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I know Sarah very well, so we had to hop in on this news. Who’s Sarah Bus Stop Guy? Well, she’s the 12 year old daughter of the Mr. Bus Stop Guy and they are locals of Riverville. (I’m sure the last name sounds a little weird, but rumor has it that it has something to do with Mr. Bus Stop Guy’s previous occupations) Mr. Bus Stop Guy is a little cuckoo you see. So this weirdness must have been passed on to her daughter. So as the P for Prize truck went driving down the road, Sarah opened the trunk so a few things fell out. So when the driver, named Mr. Peter, noticed something was going on back there, he went out to investigate . . . and this is when after he closed the trunk, Sarah hopped into the driver’s seat and drove away! “At first I didn’t know what was happening to my expensive truck,” said Mr. Peter. “I thought I forgot to put the break on until I saw a little figure in the driver’s seat.” Mr. Peter called the police and they were on the hunt. But they couldn’t find her. Fortunately, two other locals named Mr. Fred Fish and Mr. Gregor (he was on the front page a few months prior) saw a large truck driving like crazy down the road and realized that someone they knew was inside! “I knew Sarah was crazy,” says Mr. Fish, “But I had no idea that she was that crazy.” Mr. Gregor said, “After calling the police, all I could do was hope that Sarah would finally learn her lesson after this escapade!” Unfortunately, Sarah was better at driving a truck than you’d think. She just drove around the curvy mountain roads. The police even had trouble getting hold of her. What could anybody do? Well, it just so happened that that day, the Dilophosaurus (Die-LOF-oh-SOAR-us) trio from Animal Adventures Inc. was taking a walk that day on those mountain roads. For those of you who don’t know, Animal Adventures Inc. (aka AAI) is a large company run by Nigel Milligan who is famous for films such as “Animal Face-Off: Lion vs. Tiger” and “Animal Face-Off: Velociraptor vs. Protoceratops”. Now AAI also has an institute called Animal Adventures Institute where they clone extinct creatures such as dinosaurs (and yes, the animals are taught fluid English). So three Dilophosaurus (two males and one female) were taking a walk when they saw Sarah driving the truck down the road. So the three dinosaurs got to action, they ran toward the truck and hitched a ride. They then managed to force Sarah out of the driver’s seat, take the wheel and safely drive the vehicle back to its owner. The female Dilophosaurus, named Dilo, is quoted to saying, “Sarah is a nut-head alright. Believe me, we’ve known Sarah for years, but I never thought she’d do this! Fortunately, we were able to force her out of the driver’s seat. And get the truck back to the owner.” When I asked how the Dilophosaurus how she managed to drive a truck without fully-opposable thumbs, she simply said, “It was ‘interesting’.” After getting the truck back, the Dilophosaurus were each given a free chew toy and Sarah was put in time out. When I asked Sarah about how she felt about her situation, she replied, “Mr. Smiley, you’re so nosy! Bye!” Well, I just hope Sarah learned a lesson from this, because I firmly believe, she’s on Santa’s naughty list this year for sure!

Written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographed by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

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A Gobbler's Protest

Dr. Turkey making his speech to his fellow game birds.

Disclaimer: The views presented in the following article do not represent the views of Smiley’s News. Please note that they are merely the views of the interviewee.

Thanksgiving is rounding the corner. Wait, I’m wrong, it’s here! Oh the joy! A lot of people will be doing special things for Thanksgiving this year. Some will be watching football, some will be doing something special with other family members, some will go over to a friend’s house. But no matter where you are, there’s one thing we probably all will be doing this Thanksgiving - eating turkey! Turkey is prepared in dozens of different ways, most will probably just lay it out on the table, others will be putting their turkey in sandwiches, others will have turkey slices, others will eat theirs right off the bone, and some will even be eating it inside Apple Pie like my grandma does. Boy, she makes her pie weird too. Take her crust for instance. In order to get it just perfect, she takes her false teeth out and . . . wait a minute, I’m getting off topic here! Anyways, this Thanksgiving, some citizens will be going to turn Thanksgiving upside-down! At Animal Adventures Inc. (AAI.), in Riverville, New York, a fowl by the name of Dr. Turkey Curkey wishes to (naturally) change the Thanksgiving tradition of, you guessed it: turkey hunting! He’s quoted for saying, “I don’t like turkey season. Never have. I mean, I’m safe here at AAI., but I have to be careful where I go when fall comes because it’s not often that you see a turkey just walking on the sidewalk. I have to be careful in the spring too.” Dr. Turkey has PhD. in psychology and human behavioral studies and views turkey season as just a chance for humans to go crazy. Recently, he had a speech in which hundreds of regularly hunted and eaten fowl (along with myself and my trusty, junior photographer Daniel P. Smithwater) gathered to hear him. On the issue of turkey season (and fowl season in general), he said, “I believe that the hunting of fowl has gone out of hand. I mean seriously, turkeys and other fowl are living things just like humans. We may not be made in God’s image, so it would make since that we are not treated the same, but still, I firmly believed we are undertreated.” He also went on to say that even living conditions for turkeys and chickens on farms are not satisfactory. He believes they should be cleaned out much more often and they should not be fed that GMO stuff. “Turkey’s hate the taste of GMO and growth hormones,” Dr. Turkey says, “but the only reason why we eat it is because that’s all we’re given.” Dr. Turkey isn’t really for the eating turkey on Thanksgiving, but he understands that humans just have a habit of doing that. Not only that, but he also recalls God’s words to humans in Genesis 9:3, “” On Thanksgiving Day though, he recommends another thing to do instead of killing “poor and innocent” turkeys. “Instead of killing turkeys,” he says, “humans should be generous and adopt a baby turkey for a Thanksgiving tradition. I mean, compared to animals such as dogs and cats, turkeys require much less care. Humans don’t have to brush them, pay for weekly visits to the vet, pet them often, play with them often, buy toys for them and etc. Turkeys, chickens and other fowl make much better pets than food. We turkeys are generally looked down on, but it wasn’t always this way. As a matter of fact, Benjamin Franklin wanted the national bird to be a turkey instead of a bald eagle. Here, check out this quote from a letter he wrote to his daughter named Sarah Bache on January 26, 1784. He wrote:

            ‘Others object to the Bald Eagle, as looking too much like a Dindon . . . For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our country. He is a Bird of bad moral character. He does not get his living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead tree near the river, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the labour of the fishing hawk[Osprey]; and when that diligent bird has at length taken a fish, and is bearing it to his nest for the support of his mate and young ones, the bald eagle pursues him and takes it from him. . . . he is  generally poor and often very lousy. Besides he is a rank coward: the little king bird not bigger than a sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the district. He is by no means a proper emblem for the brave and honest Cincinnati of America who have driven all the king birds from our country . . . 

I am on this account . . . displeased that the figure is  . . . known as a bald eagle . . . For in truth the turkey is in comparison a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original Native of America. . . He is besides . . .  a bird of courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his farm yard with a red coat on.’

So as you can see, I firmly believe the turkey, and all other hunting/eating birds, need more respect than they are getting.” Wow! What a powerful speech for such an . . . amazing bird. So why not get a pet turkey. Here’s a good place to start: www.efoul.com/turkeys_for_sale_s. There, you can buy turkey’s and other game birds. Before the interview, I had no idea how game birds felt. I guess Dr. Turkey really is a motivational speaker . . . or is that gobbler?

PS: Dr. Turkey left a few things out of his quote, to see the rest of the quote, see this link.

Written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographed by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

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Waking the Sleeping Dinosaurs

Dr. Steve (left), Dr. Indiana (center) and Dr. Samuel (right) admiring a fossil bone of an Edmontosaurus

My trusty junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I both got a kick out of this next story. Dr. Steve Stevenson PhD at Animal Adventures Institute (AAI) is back to his cloning projects. His latest attempt is to clone the extinct creatures brought back from the Adamson’s trip. Dr. Samuel and Indiana Adamson PhD are two married paleontologists who have worked in just about every corner of the world. Recently, their trips to western North America, Russia, and Europe have revealed the fossils of numerous extinct creatures. “I have cloned quite a few other extinct animals, including dinosaurs,” Dr. Steve says. “I can’t wait to get started once again.” The animals brought back from the fossil digs are a large hadrosaur or duckbilled dinosaur called Edmontosaurus, a small pachycephalesaur or bone-headed dinosaur called Dracorex, a large pterosaur or flying reptile called Hatzegopteryx, a sharp-toothed gorgonopsid called Inostrancevia and a turtle-like reptile called Scutosaurus. Dr. Samuel Adamson believes these fossils hold proteins inside them, and proteins could contain DNA, and if we have DNA, then it is possible to clone the dinosaur or other extinct animal. “These fossils weren’t preserved in the best preservation state,” Dr. Samuel says, “but they could be a lot worse. At least we can tell what they are. Some fossils we have dug up in the past are in a terrible state and we can’t give the slightest clue of what it is.” The fossil bones are taken out of the ground and then shipped by helicopter back to Animal Adventures Institute in Riverville, New York. That is when Dr. Steve comes in. He then examines the bones and takes a very thin slice of each species and looks at them under the microscope to see if they are viable for cloning. If they are then he takes the slice, makes a mold for it so it can be put back on the original fossils and then he must extract the DNA out of the bones by using a super computer. Dr. Steve shares the rest of the cloning process, “After the DNA is out of the bone and the computer is finished working on it . . . well, I’m not sure how much you know about genes and DNA, but fossil DNA is not complete. It’s full of fragments. This is what has caused scientists trouble for years!” Dr. Steve has had a rich history when it comes to his cloning experience. In the 1990’s, Dr. Steve was one of the first scientists to help with cloning dinosaurs. He was cloning dinosaurs for a type of zoo called Cretaceous Park and they experienced the DNA gap issues. The head geneist (a gene and DNA scientist) at the time was Dr. Lora Sorkin (contrary to popular belief, she was not killed by a prehistoric creature as everyone believes). She suggested that the park take some time and figure out how to get the full DNA sequence. But the board of directors didn’t want to take that kind of time, so she was “kicked” out of the lab and sent to do field research. Dr. Henri Wu was the replacement chief geneist. He was hired to be chief geneist because he was able to figure out that you could fill the DNA gaps with frog DNA and get the job done quickly. Nowadays though, Dr. Steve had figured out how to fill in those gaps without frog DNA (which can produce some strange dinosaurs). He instead just uses dinosaur DNA from multiple fossil samples of the same species to complete the sequence. “We don’t know yet which of the fossils yield DNA,” says Dr. Steve, “but we also have what I call a ‘fossil storage’ out back where we’ve put all our unidentified bones from previous digs and there’s some pretty cool stuff in there.” What wonders will Steve clone? We’ll just have to wait and see . . .

Written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographed by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

PS: For more on the story of Dr. Lora Sorkin and Dr. Henri Wu, please visit this link, this link and this link.

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Dinosaurs Reproducing After Their Own Kind

The proud new parent Brachiosaurus (top) and Parasaurolophus (bottom) pairs.

A lot has been happening at Animal Adventures Inc. (AAI.) lately! But the most recent news is happening at Animal Adventures Institute (a section of AAI. that studies animals). In the first time in hundreds of years, some of the species of dinosaurs at the institute have laid eggs! This isn’t the first time this has happened at the institute. The first dinosaur eggs laid by the already cloned dinosaurs themselves were T. rex eggs back in December of 2009. Three T. rex babies hatched (named Jane, Little Clint and Eggbert). In 2010, the next clutch to be laid were that of the Institute’s Spinosaurus and Apatosaurus. They each hatched two eggs. In 2011, a baby Triceratops and two baby Stegosaurus hatched. Now in 2012, more dinosaur species have laid eggs. When I heard about this, my junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I had to check it out. The proud parents are Mr. and Mrs. Brachiosaurus and Mr. and Mrs. Parasaurolophus. Now Brachiosaurus is one of the largest long-necked or sauropod dinosaurs, and Parasaurolophus is one of the duckbilled or hadrosaur dinosaurs. Both parents now have five eggs each. Head scientist Dr. Steve Stevenson explains, “This is really revolutionary! No one alive today has ever seen living Brachiosaurus or Parasaurolophus eggs. Actually I take that back, no one alive has ever seen eggs from these two species, living or fossil.” The eggs are big, each one is about the size of a football. In the wild, sauropods didn’t care for the eggs. Instead, the parent dinosaur would lay them and move on. Here in the institute, the parents aren’t going to care for the eggs either, instead, they get to care for them once they hatch. “No offense to the sauropods,” Dr. Steve says, “but they don’t have very big brains. The reason why wild sauropods left their eggs was because having a very small brain meant they probably had trouble determining where their head and feet are verses where the eggs are. So that’s why we’ll return the eggs to the parent dinosaurs after they hatch.” The creature selected to care for the sauropod eggs is Mr. Oliver Oviraptor. He is a dinosaur Dr. Steve has cloned and is very capable of taking care of eggs. "Oviraptors can take very good care of eggs," Oliver says, "Even our fossils have been found of us guarding our eggs from the potential dangers of the dinosaur world." Hadrosaurs, on the other hand, did care for both the eggs and babies in the wild since they had larger brains. We know this because relatives of Parasaurolophus have been found with fossil nests. My photographer and I also had the chance to interview the proud mothers of each brood. “We are just so excited,” says Mrs. Brachiosaurus, “We’ve been here for quite a few years and haven’t had any children. This is exactly the opportunity we’ve been waiting for. We aren’t sure how many of the eggs will hatch, but hopefully at least one, or two, or three, or . . . well, I want all of them to hatch!” Mrs. Parasaurolophus also had something to say about her brood, "I am also excited about the eggs. Once they hatch, I'll be able to show how good at mothering a mother dinosaur can be!" She went on to say that baby dinosaurs hatch out of eggs much more mature than human babies. "Baby hadrosaurs can talk at a few hours," she says, "they can walk within a few months and they can run with the herd within maybe a few months to a year, it all depends on the health of the baby." So maybe Animal Adventures Institute will hear the pitter-patter of little dino-paws sometime soon. You can be sure Smiley's News will keep you posted on this one!

Written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographed by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

Bonus Story: The New President of the Town Board is . . .

I'm sure you all have been waiting impatiently for the news of who the next President of the Town Board is. As most of you know, the two who were running for election were Mr. Edward Scott and Mr. Otis Ostrich. So who won the election? Well it was very close, but the winner is, drumroll please . . . Otis Ostrich! He won by 10,994 votes, meanwhile Edward got 10,991 votes. "I am so excited to have been elected!" says Otis. "All the voters really made a good choice. And I promise, I will do this job the best way possible, the way Christ Himself would!" Needless to say, Edward Scott wasn't too happy about the situation, but it is surprising to hear his response to this, "Well, I'm still bummed that I'm no longer President of the Town Board, but maybe it was for the best. I must admit I really thought I was a Christian, but I then learned the truth: salvation cannot be gained by mere good works, but by grace and by grace alone and faith in Jesus Christ. If I had won the election, I might not have been humbled enough to finally submit to Christ." Otis Ostrich also has a few final words to say to all those who gave him the much-needed support, "Thank you everyone who voted for me, but I still will never forget that it's God's Will that I'm here at all!"

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Next Issue: A New Breed of Extinct Creatures

A Politician's Petition

Otis Ostrich giving his speech to hundreds of people prior to the election (yes that's my head in the foreground)

Election Day is coming soon! It’s on the 6^th of November and people are already talking about who the next president will probably be. Let’s hope the right person is elected (personally, I’m voting for whoever is going to carry out governmental business the Christian-way). But here in Riverville, New York, another governmental battle is about to take place. Two people are competing for the role of President of town board. This is a big spot to fill, and the two people are very interested in the position. These two people are Mr. Edward Scott and Mr. Otis Ostrich. Yes, you read right: Otis Ostrich! As his name suggests, Otis is an Ostrich and he’s from Animal Adventures Inc. (AAI.) one of the few places in the world with animals that speak fluid English. When my junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I heard that Otis was going to run for President of the town board, we headed over to AAI. to find out more. “I know this is a little strange, having an animal be the President of the town board,” Otis says, “but I have been involved in politics before.” Otis wants to become President of the town board for a number of reasons, he says, “I think that this board desperately needs a new president. I mean, they’ve made some pretty bad choices lately with Mr. Edward Scott! They cancelled the town’s yearly Day of Prayer and replaced it with a Muslim activity! For Pete’s sake! That was a terrible choice on Edward the Evil’s part!” When Otis went up to do a speech prior to his hopeful election in front of hundreds of people, he also said that he wishes to: 

• To protect the life of the unborn (or unhatched)
• To protect Christian liberties of repealing and replacing Edwardocare
• Reduce taxes for everyone without discrimination
• And to have smaller government-more individual freedom and responsibility

So as you can see, this bird is serious about his hopeful role in the society. When asked why Otis is being so . . . “negative” about Edward, he said, “That Edward dude is a completely fabricated, untrue, unjust, untrustworthy, unreliable . . . guy. I mean, the man claims he’s a Christian, but what Christian would replace a Christian day with a Muslim activity! Now don’t get me wrong, other than their disbelief in the real Bible, I have nothing against Muslims, but Edward was rejecting God in a sense! Now this really appalled me, considering the guy is supposedly a Christian and all. He actually endorsed Halloween this past October!” After hearing this, my photographer and I headed over to Edward Scott to get his perspective on the election. “Otis the Ostrich? Oh please, don’t worry about not being elected. I mean, he’s a bird for Pete’s sake! Birds are dumb. I’ve done my research and concluded that Ostriches have a brain the size of their eyeball, that’s pretty small. So I know for a fact I’m going to be elected.” When asked about his Christianity, he is quoted for saying, “Of course I’m a Christian. I have been really, really good ever since I was born. I often read my Bible and I attend Church every Sunday." When I started to talk to him about how no matter how good you are, you still aren't allowed in heaven unless you except Jesus' free gift of salvation, he instantly changed the subject . . . hmm, his so-called "Christianity" is pretty suspicious if you ask me. Otis Ostrich is also hopeful in the coming election and so is his few week-old son named Enik (he's in the foreground to the right my head and to the left of that man in the yellow sweater). Enik says, "I believe my Daddy can be a great President of the Town Board. He's much, much better than that fool-headed Edward guy and if I were old enough to vote, my Dad is the one who gets my votes!" When asked when an Ostrich is able to vote, he said, "Well, I'm not sure, but I'd suspect it's as soon as we reach adulthood." (Even though this Ostrich chick is only a few weeks old, he already has the verbal capabilities of a six or seven year old child!) So who will win the election? No one knows, but I encourage you to please take our poll to cast who you think should be the next President of the Town Board. Simply post a comment by typing in who your vote would go to at the bottom of this page and then put anonymous or your name in the box below the comment box and then click preview. (After that you will have to put in either two words or a word and a number that comes up on the screen, just try it. Believe me, it's not as hard as it sounds) Next week, along with the main story, we will also reveal who will be elected President of the Town Board!

Written by: Mr. Smiley
Photographed by: Daniel P. Smithwater
Edited by: Christian Ryan

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Next Issue: Dinosaurs Reproducing After Their Own Kind (and we'll find out who's the new President of the Town Board!)