All Nuts for Nuts!

Once a shy creature, Cronopios are rapidly spreading across the North American continent, and they are nut-crazed!

The little mammal from the movie Ice Age is called a Scrat, or Saber-toothed Squirrel. Now when the movie-makers made this movie, they completely made up Scrat. He was supposed to be a fictional creation. Well, recently, it turns out God really did make such a creature! It was first discovered as fossils until a living population was discovered in September 2012. Before 2012, these squirrels were hiding in the remote forests of the Taiga in northern Alaska until they realized how many acorns could be collected when living in close quarters with humans. The “Scrat”, called Cronopio by the scientists, is roughly a foot and a half in length, including that bushy tail. “Scrat” are squirrels from the Ice Age that have a complete hanker for nuts. As a matter of fact, fossil skeletons of these guys have been found still in the position of “chasing” after their treasured nuts. The “Scrat” uses its long incisor teeth to break open the shell of a nut after grasping it in their paws (if they can hold onto the nut, that is). The brain of this little mammal is only about the size of a walnut, often resulting in bad decision making. “Scrats” will also clean their nuts before either eating or burying it so it can find the nut later. These squirrels are not very social. The only time they seek other squirrels is during mating season. Autumn precaution: NEVER GO OUTSIDE AND EAT NUTS. “Scrats” have been known to steal nuts from humans and will even go to the extent of ganging up in packs to tackle humans with nuts. Despite them not being so bright, they know how to open unlocked kitchen and car and can open refrigerators. So don’t leave nuts exposed, especially during the fall. Fortunately, these nut-loving rodents were easy for my photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater to take a photo of one. We simply put an acorn on the ground and waited about two minutes before one showed up (you may have noticed the teeth on the individual in the photo aren't all that long and the tail isn't all that fluffy, this is because it's a sub-adult). These animals are definitely nuts for . . . well, nuts!

Written by: P. Smiley

Photographer: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

Weekly Cartoon

Next Issue: Elephant Outbreak!

Fueling the Future

The amazing car that Dr. James Crowferd invented.

You know it, as a matter of fact, we all know it: the plain and simple truth is gas prices are going up, up, up. And income for many of us is just going down, down, down. Gas prices just aren’t helping the situation. Well, Dr. James Crowferd of Vassar College, USA might be an answer to your prayers! He has just made an astounding discovery: how to make a car run on almost nothing but air. You read the last word right: AIR! The same oxygen we breathe in and out every single day. How does the car, nicknamed the “Airway”, run on air anyway? Well, first in order to get it to go, Dr. James decided to get rid of another problem many of us have: trash build-up. First, all that the car needs to start is some trash from that trash can you have sitting around (you can kiss the garbage truck goodbye!). Simply put the trash in the same place gas would normally go and then you’re off! After the car is running, air rushes into the front of the car through a hole. The air rushing into the hole causes little windmills inside the car to turn and the air comes bursting out the back. “I invented this car because I have a vision – a clear, almost new-looking earth with cleaner air and water,” says Dr. James. When I asked him about the price of the car, he winced and said, “Well, I’m not really in this for the money, but the prices at first are going to be a little high – around $300,000,000, at least until they catch on. Then I plan to lower the price to around $50,000. And if that works out, even lower.” So when this new cars start to catch on, perhaps being “green” with our cars will be a breeze.

Written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographer: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

Weekly Cartoon

Next Issue: All Nuts for Nuts!

What Big Teeth You Have!

Dr. Arizona (left) and Mr. Gregor (right) next to the gigantic skull found in Mr. Gregor's yard.

A weird animal skull was recently discovered in Mr. Gregor’s backyard. Don’t recall Mr. Gregor? Well, I’ll tell you about him. Mr. Gregor is a multi-billionaire living in Riverville, New York. Now while most rich people simply use their money for themselves, this man uses a good bit of money for charities and about 10% of it for tithes and offerings (if he’s doing a really good job making money, he’ll put in 20%). Mr. Gregor and I are very close friends so my junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I were gladly welcomed in to his house get a good story on this amazing find. “I was just taking a walk in my backyard one day,” Mr. Gregor recalls, “when suddenly . . . I realized a little rock with holes on it at the corner of my eye. I went over to it and realized it was a skull, a giant skull. I had no idea what it was.” And frankly, neither did I. As you can see in the picture above, the skull is probably from a carnivorous animal, considering the needle-sharp teeth in the jaw. I wasn’t sure if I should publish this paper at first because I wasn’t entirely sure this story was worth publishing . . . that is, until I learned what Dr. Arizona Stevenson PhD. was coming over to Mr. Gregor’s house (it’s actually a mansion) to indentify the skull. Arizona Stevenson is a local zoologist so Mr. Gregor figured that she’d be the perfect person to identify this find. “When I saw it, I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Arizona said. “The skull was larger than I had expected. I couldn’t tell if it was a feline or a mustelid.” After I asked what a mustelid was, she responded, “A mustelid is an animal related to a weasel. Ferrets, badgers, otters and skunks are in this group.” And yes, they all can squirt a foul-smelling liquid. Fortunately for us, skunks are the only ones that do this often! After examining the skull, Arizona concluded that it had to be from an extinct mammal, since no animal alive today in this region has a skull quite like this one. Since it isn’t fossilized, it probably died recently, per se, in the last decade or so. Mr. Gregor said that it might have been in his yard under the ground for years. The recent heavy downpours probably exposed it enough so he could see it. The skull was sent to Animal Adventures Institute for further study by Dr. Arizona, her husband, Dr. Steve Stevenson PhD and a bunch of other scientists. The presence of this skull so close to town is mindboggling. And one thought stuck in my head after leaving Mr. Gregor’s house: considering this skull is from an animal that died recently, does it have other friends lurking somewhere in the state of New York . . .?

The strange skull found in Mr. Gregor's yard.

PS: If you think you can identify this skull, please send an email to animaladventures@aol.com.                

Written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographed by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

Weekly Cartoon

Next Issue: Fueling the Future

Elizabeth - A Turn for the . . . GOOD?!?

Arizona and her hat and their whole family apparently have put away their bad habits.

Elizabeth P. Bat Mitten. You remember her: she’s a really, really, really bad girl. First, she turned the power off at Dinosaur Park and made everyone faint because she put too much sugar in her candy. Now she has a new claim, she said, “I was thinking yesterday about how bad I’ve been lately. I was doing bad stuff for popularity. Turning off the power at Dinosaur Park gave me some recognition, but it didn’t last. Putting too much sugar in my cotton candy gave me more recognition, but once again, it didn’t last. Now me and my hat Max are going to be good.” Good? How can she possibly be good? My trusty, junior photographer Daniel P. Smithwater and I went to her sister, Halle B. Bat Mitten to get the real scoop on this story. “At first I didn’t believe my ears either. But now I believe it with all my heart,” Halle says. When I asked about Elizabeth’s hat Max, Halle said, “I can’t talk for the hats, but if Elizabeth is good, I believe the robot hats will follow in her league.” She also said that a good percent of her robotic hats didn’t like listening to her anyway. Now me? I am not so positive that Elizabeth is really changing, but I just suppose that time will tell if her change is for real. Let’s hope so!

Story written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographs taken by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan

Weekly Cartoon

Next Week's Issue: What Big Teeth You Have!

World's First "Modern" Shoe Discovered

Indiana James holding the newly discovered stone shoe

The world of archaeology was a buzz about a recent find! So I, Mr. Smiley and my photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater, headed over to Burlington, Vermont to get the inside story on the finding of the first “modern” shoe ever made. Indiana James, a famous archaeologist was off exploring in the Amazon Rainforests of South America when he discovered the some very old ruins that were estimated to be 3,000 years old. In an ancient temple, he found a pair of stone shoes. This is evidence that ancient royalty wore the first modern looking shoes. How does it look modern? Well for starters it is completely enclosed. Most other people at the time were wearing sandals or bare feet. So these are the first “modern” looking shoes. “They are very similar to sneakers,” says Indiana James, “but since the material to make sneakers wasn’t invented yet, they had to make these shoes out of stone.” Some old paintings on the temple walls may have the story as to how these stone shoes came to be: a great Native South American king wanted to look more impressive than his contemporaries. So he told his head shoe maker (possibly named Sir Keystone), to make him an impressive shoe within 24 hours or else he would be stoned to death (the king was very strict). So in sheer desperation, he sat thinking over the next 24 hours as to how he could make these impressive shoes. He thought of what types of stone they would use to stone him, and this gave him an idea. Why not make stone shoes? So he got to work. By the end of the 24 hours, he had made a pair of beautiful shoes with the king’s face where the ankle was and three blue jewels on the sides of this shoe. The king was so pleased, he offered to give the shoe maker whatever he wished. The shoe maker wanted one of the blue jewels (which is why one of the jewels on the shoes are missing!). The king granted his request and to this day, the shoes look exactly how they did when they were first made. But I’m not sure I’d want to wear those shoes, it would make running make your feet sweaty!

Story written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographs taken by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan M.

Weekly Cartoon

 Movie Spotlight

Animal Face-Off: Lion vs. Tiger - Coming to DVD Summer 2012

Next Issue: Elizabeth is being . . .good?!?

Elizabeth Strikes . . . Again!

Elizabeth, Steve and John after their failed attempt to take over the world. As you can see, Elizabeth painted her hat white in a vain attempt to look "good" so people would buy the candy

Elizabeth P. Bat Mitten can’t seem to get off the headlines, can she? When I, Mr. Smiley heard she could be getting in more trouble, I rushed over to the scene with my photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater. The scene is, like always, Riverville, New York. Nice little place, plenty of parking space, and lots of hot cocoa! Wait, why am I talking about cocoa? Anyway, back to the story. Elizabeth decided she would once again try and take control of the world. This time though, she wanted more help than that of her trusty robotic hat named Max (whom she painted white). Her other assistants would be her husband, Steve Bat mitten and her son named John Bat mitten. They each started making cotton candy and unfortunately, it was a huge success. You see, the cotton candy was 2.1% (candy) cotton and 98.9% sugar. Since it was pretty much all sugar, it made most of the people who ate way to active and after a day or two they fainted. A few people who didn’t faint were Christy Poppyseed, Debby Boxford, Becky McGregor, Steve Stephen, and their parents. When they learned everyone else fainted (except of course your trusty reporter and photographer, Daniel and I), they devised a plan to get the police back in action. By working together producing skunk spray to put in front of their noses, they were able to revive the police and the police were able to capture the Bat mittens (who were so undulged in cotton candy that thy couldn't escape). It is recommended never to try Elizabeth’s food . . . again!

Story written by: Mr. Smiley

Photographs taken by: Daniel P. Smithwater

Edited by: Christian Ryan M.

Weekly Cartoon

Next Issue: Explorer finds Stone Shoe!

Cretaceous Park Breakdown!

Elizabeth after the power was switched back on standing in front of the sauropod enclosure.

One fine day at Cretaceous Park, a type of dinosaur zoo located on an island just 200 miles or so off the coast of Costa Rica. It didn't look like anything could go wrong at all. But I, Mr. Smiley and my trusty junior photographer Daniel P. Smithwater, was right on the scene to capture all the action on paper. Now let’s cut to the chase: A young woman named Elizabeth P. Bat Mitten decided to turn the park's peacefulness upside-down. Her plan - She and her robotic hat helper Max were to sneak into the power room of Cretaceous Park to shut the power down. No one is still sure why. With the power out, dinosaurs at the park could escape from their enclosures. One such called Tyrannosaurus rex (nicknamed Big Red) broke out and literally terrorized the people at the park! So did the Velociraptors and Dilophosaurus. Since they both were pack hunters, they were twice as dangerous. Not to mention that Velociraptors are very intelligent; they have the intelligence of a dog or a lion, and we wouldn't call a lion dumb would we? Fortunately, no one was killed by these beasts. The most destruction actually came from the plant eaters. When they broke out, they roamed around the park eating the flower beds, stripping the trees of their leaves and devouring 9,895,923 bags of cheese curls. Who knew dinosaurs like so much cheese! Even though the carnivores did the least amount of damage, they still caused some trouble. After the incident was over, they had successfully eaten all the ham and turkey burgers, hot dogs and other meats the park had. My photographer and I spent most of the time hiding from the carnivores in a very small flower pot. After a while, manager of the park, David Milligan (who is also famous for his movie, "Cretaceous Park: The Game: Triceratops Trouble") managed to jump into one of the ranger helicopters they had at the park. He mustered each and every one of those dinosaurs back into the cages. Elizabeth and Max were arrested. Instead of going to jail for doing such a terrible crime, the police decided it would be better if they did community service. “Everything in the park is back in order,” says David, “The power is back on and we know have posted guards by the power room so no one can sneak back in there again. So Cretaceous Park is still one of the greatest animal parks in the world!"

Written by: Mr. Smiley
Photographed by: Daniel P. Smithwater
Edited by: Christian Ryan M.

Weekly Cartoon

Next Week's Issue: Elizabeth Strikes Again!

Howdy Folks!

Well hello everybody! Welcome to my blog! My name is Peter Smiley, but most folks just call me Mr. Smiley. Now I have a little newspaper that I write for in my hometown, but lately, I've decided to broaden my scope to the internet. So basically what this is is a weekly paper that is published to give you the news of the ins and outs of the way we live around here. Get ready for a lot of fun and news scoops. And remember, I NEVER exaggerate . . . most of the time . . . Anywho, let's get started!

That's me, Mr. Smiley!