Smiley's News: What Big Teeth You Have!

Dr. Arizona (left) and Mr. Gregor (right) next to the gigantic skull found in Mr. Gregor's yard.

A weird animal skull was recently discovered in Mr. Gregor’s backyard. Don’t recall Mr. Gregor? Well, I’ll tell you about him. Mr. Gregor is a multi-billionaire living in Riverville, New York. Now while most rich people simply use their money for themselves, this man uses a good bit of money for charities and about 10% of it for tithes and offerings (if he’s doing a really good job making money, he’ll put in 20%). Mr. Gregor and I are very close friends so my junior photographer, Daniel P. Smithwater and I were gladly welcomed in to his house get a good story on this amazing find. “I was just taking a walk in my backyard one day,” Mr. Gregor recalls, “when suddenly . . . I realized a little rock with holes on it at the corner of my eye. I went over to it and realized it was a skull, a giant skull. I had no idea what it was.” And frankly, neither did I. As you can see in the picture above, the skull is probably from a carnivorous animal, considering the needle-sharp teeth in the jaw. I wasn’t sure if I should publish this paper at first because I wasn’t entirely sure this story was worth publishing . . . that is, until I learned what Dr. Arizona Stevenson PhD. was coming over to Mr. Gregor’s house (it’s actually a mansion) to indentify the skull. Arizona Stevenson is a local zoologist so Mr. Gregor figured that she’d be the perfect person to identify this find. “When I saw it, I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Arizona said. “The skull was larger than I had expected. I couldn’t tell if it was a feline or a mustelid.” After I asked what a mustelid was, she responded, “A mustelid is an animal related to a weasel. Ferrets, badgers, otters and skunks are in this group.” And yes, they all can squirt a foul-smelling liquid. Fortunately for us, skunks are the only ones that do this often! After examining the skull, Arizona concluded that it had to be from an extinct mammal, since no animal alive today in this region has a skull quite like this one. Since it isn’t fossilized, it probably died recently, per se, in the last decade or so. Mr. Gregor said that it might have been in his yard under the ground for years. The recent heavy downpours probably exposed it enough so he could see it. The skull was sent to Animal Adventures Institute for further study by Dr. Arizona, her husband, Dr. Steve Stevenson PhD and a bunch of other scientists. The presence of this skull so close to town is mindboggling. And one thought stuck in my head after leaving Mr. Gregor’s house: considering this skull is from an animal that died recently, does it have other friends lurking somewhere in the state of New York . . .?